5 Reasons You Won't Watch Miss America

It's ok, she's only expressing herself.

Not included: because it's pointless.

We all know that the Miss America pageant is sort of a joke at this point. Well, not sort of. Really a joke. Like some sort of quaint throwback to a time when people still thought that women were all interested in gliding around in gowns and swimwear. You know, the '50s?

But this year, with the pageant on the ever classy TLC, the whole thing has taken on the oily sheen of too much Vaseline and the slight stench of desperation. Do you even know anyone past the age of 15 who is still convinced that pageants are even valid entertainment?

Here are five reasons why no one will watch this sham of a show:

Watch out lady! Something is trying to get you!

1. You don't even get to see the "talent" portion. I mean, look at the images in this post. Who wants this rounded up in a clips package? I'd watch this freakshow for some of the talent if they showed it.

2. The entire thing is a huge delusion. Witness this quote from the Miss America website about the crucial difference between their competition and the Miss USA competition:

"Developed by the Miss America Organization, the Miss America program exists to provide personal and professional opportunities for young women to promote their voices in culture, politics and the community."

Ok guys, you keep on believin' that promoting a very confined view of what "young women" are somehow enhances the community in any way, shape, or form.

3. They all wear identical bikinis. If I'm gonna watch a bikini competition, I want the possibility that one of the contestants rocks something totally not ok for TV. Don't kill the dream, Miss America.

4. They totally de-crowned Vanessa Williams. Yes, this was back in the '80s, but it seemed incredibly unfair when I was a kid, and I'm still a little bitter.

5. You got your fill of bad dresses at prom. Please see Exhibit A.

Exhibit A. This is a dress. One helluva dress.