Madonna Loves Jesus

Or she'll kill you.

Madge, Jesus is not your boy toy.

Yes, you read that correctly. According to The Sun, Madonna is dating model Jesus Luzb whom she met on a photo shoot for W Magazine in Rio de Janeiro.

Apparently the couple is “ficando,” that’s Portuguese for friends with benefits.

Since we’re really not feelin’ this new guy (um, he’s like 14 and a half and looks like he should be a member of Menudo) we invented our very own list of people Madonna should date instead of Jesus.

1. The real Jesus. Their holier than thou attitudes would make for a good match.

2. Patrick Swayze: Because Madge needs to be on stage, on a table top, on a pole, in front of an arena, singing for a stadium, or performing for the Queen – not in a corner.

3. Someone her own age. We suggest King Tut.

4. Lindsay Lohan: Because it's been rumored that Madge likes to indulge in a little lovely lady lumpin' from time-to-time.

5. The Nip/Tuck plastics: Someone’s gotta correct all that crazy clown surgery she did to look “younger.”