Mathematicians Say Zombies Would Win

Bbbrrrraaaiiiinnnnsss...

Come with me if you want to live.

The news we've all feared has been confirmed -- if zombies were to attack, they would win. According to "research" done by mathematicians at the University of Ottawa in Canada, if an outbreak of the undead actually occurred, all our brains would be doomed.

In the report, Canadian math geeks plot out complicated numerical formulas to show what would happen in an outbreak. It basically lays out scientifically what George Romero does theatrically: zombies times zombies equals less and less humans.

But the report doesn't leave out hope. In fact, it makes a sort of rally call for zombie butt-kicking action.

"A zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation," say the authors, "unless it is dealt with quickly. While aggressive quarantine may contain the epidemic, or a cure may lead to coexistence of humans and zombies, the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often."

Wow. The whole thing is kind of funny until you realize how seriously they're taking this. We're actually doing academic research on what to do in a zombie apocalypse. Maybe Canada knows something sinister that we don't.

Either way, better stock up on your sawed-off shotties. I'll be on the roof if you need me.

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