The Worst Internet Dating Stories Of All Time
And You Thought YOUR Love-Life Was Awkward
If the movie You've Got Mail was as bizarre and potentially hazardous as real online dating, Tom Hanks would reveal on the first date that he has a weird yogurt fetish and Meg Ryan would turn out to be a hairy 57 year-old truck driver with no teeth. Because, unlike in Hollywood, those scenarios happen a lot more often than we'd like to think.
TheAwl.com has collected some of the most embarrassing, horrifying and hilarious personal experiences in online dating, many of which are guaranteed to make you feel like, well, things could be a lot worse.
Here are a few choice ones:
He wore a pink polo shirt (collar popped) and worked in finance. He talked with prime rib in his mouth and told me he could use some "BJ action". That was that.
What really set the tone upfront was that in the "where are you from" portion of the evening, I told him where I grew up -- in a small town that shares a name with a small liberal arts college (where my mother ran the admissions office). Anyway, it turns out he was rejected from this school and the reason my name sounds familiar must be b/c I was "related to that bitch who ruined [his] fucking life."
I once went out with someone who, within an hour of meeting me, told me that his ultimate fantasy was to date a replicant.
I've met one person through online dating (I'll be meeting my second in a few days- almost exactly one year after meeting the first person- anniversary!). We met at a bar, and she was super attractive (I really wanted to bang her but also wanted to be a gentleman so I deferred to conversation). We talked for 6 hours. It was great. She came over to my place on that weekend where some friends and I were having a fire. She texted me at 2AM from inside my house asking if she could stay over after taking her friend downtown. Sure! She stayed over and we had awesome sex. We continued having awesome sex every day that week. And we actually had a lot more in common then sex. Like birds and stuff. Then she mostly disappeared. She wrote me a big ol email about being busy for a while (she was finishing her thesis) and I was dumb in ignoring the writing on the wall. I ignored the not very obvious 'we're not going to have sex anymore' because she'd left a pair of her thongs in my bathroom. And a pillow. And this book on the history of graphic design that she said was her favorite. So I figured we'd at least meet up again. A few weeks went past, and I emailed her to see if we could meet up to exchange our stuff. She had my binoculars. Then she moved to Iowa with my fucking binoculars. But I still have her pillow and book. But not the panties. They had stains in them. That's actually not that bad a story, because good sex was involved. But I would totally have negative sex (can you do that? is there a way to cancel out having had sex with someone?) for a week to get my binoculars back. I can't even tell if that thing in the tree across from my house is an owl or a fucking piece of wood.
I met a guy for coffee. As we were sitting outside of the coffee shop enjoying some nice conversation he told me how he was working on writing some music. He then proceeded to sing, very loudly, his current endeavor in song writing. It was about killing unicorns (and no he was not being ironic). I kept making, "oh that's nice," "okay," sort of comments and he just kept singing louder and louder.
To check out more disastrous online dating stories, head over to TheAwl.com and then br grateful to not have been profiled.