Three Brotards Walk into a Bar - Bromance

Hey guys, check out my fierce tats.

"Designed and ridden by kings."

I hate to say it, but Bromance really did not live up to its potential this week. Sure, all the prerequisites were there. You had men touching other men, sobbing over feelings, and general uncomfortable posing around a demi-celebrity who seems to be having the best time making fun of these guys. But where were the wonderful "bro" words? Other than "Broprah moments," there were none. And the activities? Please, Animal House, had more creativity.

Anyway, on with the roundup of this MTV oddity. There were three major moments of tonight's show...

Act 1: LC's "Dating" Game
The Hills Lauren Conrad arrives in horse-drawn carriage (or a Lambo, it's all the same), and announces she's arranged a "dating game" of sorts to find Brody's true bromantical soulmate. What she finds out, however, is that Femi is nuts, Chris P. has no game, and Gary sees himself as an elephant ("Designed and ridden by kings." is his exact quote). She is understandably disturbed by the whole ordeal, but selects Alex as the least crazy of them all.

Act 2: The Talent Portion of the Beauty Contest
An erotic shower scene with Brody is interrupted by his bromantic friends, who need him to arrange activities for the bromantic hopefuls. They all arrange their own feats of fun (I liked Luke's mini-golf, myself), but it's Gary breaking his face while "dancing," and Femi's freakshow that stole the show. Femi bombs with his animal-themed "style" lessons, gets a tattoo that mimics Brody's, then has a total breakdown about his tough past when the guys point out that he's CRAZAY.

Act 3: Montezuma's Revenge
The boys eat Mexican food, have a lame moment where Brody has Sleazy T and Frankie shoot at the bottom two dudes with paintball guns. They shoot Jered (since he has a lame attitude and is too cool to act a fool - not to mention the world's dumbest spelling of that particular name), leaving Gary thankful he still has a chance at... Bromance.

And there you have it, mediocre, barely worth watching, Bromance. Step it up, producer Ryan Seacrest. Just because Brangelina snubbed you doesn't mean you can dip like this. Step it up.