Black Friday Blues

Take these precautions before stepping into the shopping jungle.

Lock the doors, tie up the cat, and throw away your coupons. Black Friday is coming, and with it, hordes of vicious and highly-motivated shoppers. So if you wanna make it to Christmas, follow us.

Beware the herd of stampeding grandmothers. When the cacophony of shuffling walkers and steel-tipped canes approaches, take cover with haste. No matter how cute its vibrations are, that Tickle-Me-Elmo is not worth the broken ribs.

Another danger of Black Friday is being bombarded by irresistible Black Friday deals. Just make sure to leave your house wearing some horse blinders and one of those Elizabethan, anti-licking dog collars. That way you’ll never know when you’re near a discount.

Hopefully these tips will get you through the day after Thanksgiving with minimal bruising. So Godspeed, fellow holidayers. See you on the other side.