Facebook Turns Five - Bring on the Punch and Pie!

That dude.

What do you get for a five-year-old who has everything?

How about a real sense of value? The web property that changed the way people stalked you, Facebook, turned five-years-old today. So how did the social networking giant celebrate?

We imagine they all got drunk, ate some pie, and made fun of chicks posing in that awkward above-the-shoulder way. But seriously, let's give it up to the Facebook crew. Here are the five ways Facebook changed (or ruined) our lives forever:

1. You don't have to talk to your friends about their problems anymore: Because you can just read their statuses and comment as you see fit. Your friends break up? Find out when they change their relationship status! Your boyfriend get laid off? Betcha he told Facebook before you! Oh Facebook, you make "connecting" so much less time-intensive.

2. You don't have to remember birthdays or waste money on birthday presents: Because Facebook will remind you (in the most innocuous way possible) of their birthday, and you only have to leave a comment in celebration! Now spend that money on something important, like booze.

3. Your teachers/parents/bosses can easily track what you're doing and who you're doing it with: Cutting class to go see a movie? Missing work because you're hungover and cannot function? Sleeping with 12 dudes named Joe? Guess what? Every adult in the WORLD knows about it now. Betcha you wish you hadn't friended Sue from Accounting right? You always knew she was stalking your profile...

4. You can look down on the plebes who use MySpace: Even though you still troll MySpace for bootycalls and to find out all about your ex-BF's new chick, you can rest at night knowing that you are part of the true social media network.

5. You can waste time and call it research: So your boss caught you surfing Facebook? So what? Turns out she actually wants you to explore your Lil' Patch application so she can figure out how to turn Facebook into a cash cow. Too bad no one has figured out how to actually do that yet...

So thanks a lot, Facebook. Now, can you figure out how to keep my ex-boyfriends from messaging me?