Jay-Z Threatens Chris Brown, Morons Blame Rihanna

Get yer hands offa him, you dirty victim you!

Rihanna gets upset. Chris beats her. Justice served.

In the ongoing saga of Chris Brown and Rihanna, so many rumors abound that sorting out the truth, at least for now, is darn near impossible.

First of all, no police report has been issued. Something tells me that might be an important source for facts. Secondly, an official victim has not even been named, yet already fans and haters alike are taking sides, pointing fingers and making crazy accusations.

Some of the most outrageous come from folks who think they've got the scoop, when they're actually just spreading nonsense from some other equally ignorant blogger. Even Jay-Z has made a semi-death threat.

If we believed only a fraction of these stories we'd be saying Brown beat her because she gave him herpes. Then he bought a Delorean, traveled back in time and managed to put a condom on his past self in order to save his future genitals. We're actually in the process of unknowing all this as we speak.

The worst rumor though has to be that this was somehow Rihanna's fault. We've all seen comments from various nincompoops who find it inconceivable that Brown would hit Rihanna without a just cause, therefore she probably did something to deserve it. Right, because we can think of so many reasons a woman deserves to have her eyes swollen shut.

So lay off the mud-slinging, peeps. Besides, until the straight stuff comes out, Jay-Z's got this on lockdown.