Simon Cowell's Drunk, Naked, Vulgar Birthday Party

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The $1.6 million affair turned lewd and embarrassing for many celebrities.

Wow. Last week's plans for Simon Cowell's birthday extravanza at a private mansion outside London sounded, well, classy.

But a British paper has announced that despite the presence of Cowell's 84-year-old mother and a priest, Saturday night's party went absolutely out of control.

Apparently Kate Moss was so intoxicated she could hardly sit upright. A dominatrix worked the stage, a woman danced exotically behind a giant scrim, and topless dancers ruled the venue. According to reports a giant replica of female genitalia adorned the stage, and baby sharks swam in the restrooms. One man had to be put inside a shuttle...get ready...completely naked. How distinguished!

Critics are calling the event a vulgar display of Cowell's narcissism (a 60-foot image of his face greeted guests to the property, and the alphabet letters spelled his name in the soup course) and Britain's tasteless class of new money (bottles of champagne worth a grand each were endless).

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Plus...baby sharks in the bathroom? It sounds cruel.

Paula Abdul stayed classy by staying home (with the flu). Check out our slideshow of Cowell's former co-star here.